


All we are

by Leya



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Blindfolds, Dubious Consent, Fingerfucking, Forced Orgasm, Humiliation, Kissing, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-03-22
Packaged: 2018-03-11 23:00:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leya/pseuds/Leya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Duke of Savoy never forgets. And he most certainly never forgives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just like always: Unbeta'd.

Athos woke to foreign hands around his throat. His eyes flew open, the last remnants of sleep dissolving within seconds. Almost immediately one of his hands came up, crashing into the jaw of his attacker, sending the man sprawling to the ground. His victory was short-lived, though, because there were already three more men gathering around him, throwing themselves forward to restrain him effectively from moving any further. He was hauled to his feet, ropes fastened around his wrists and when he heard the others struggling nearby he turned his head just to have his hopes crushed mercilessly.  
  
Although all he could see were dark shapes moving in front of the fire the way this men held themselves made it all to clear that this were no ordinary highwaymen but most probably mercenaries, hired to waylay them but for what reason Athos couldn't fathom. Their latest mission was completed and they were on their way back to Paris. They didn't carry anything of worth with them, there was nothing for their attackers to gain. So they must have been following orders. But whose – and more important why - he had absolutely no idea.  
  
Whoever had launched this attack knew what he was doing, though. They had been caught completely by surprise. Porthos was already face-down in the dirt with two men basically sitting on him and a third one, pressing a gun against the back of his skull. Aramis didn't fare any better and d'Artagnan...  
  
...was still fighting. Athos sighed, steeling himself against the inevitable.  
  
The young man whirled around, expertly running one of the men through but it was more than obvious that he only managed to postpone his defeat. Mere seconds later the fight came to an abrupt halt when a man with a deep-red birthmark marring the right side of his face, turned up behind the Musketeer, anger and annoyance clearly written all over his face.  
  
Athos winced when a hard blow to the back of the boys head caused him to fall down in an undignified heap. The young fool should have surrendered but Athos knew that giving up – regardless of the odds – wasn't a word that existed in d'Artagan's vocabulary.  
  
One day the young man would end up dead because of his stubborn nature and all Athos could do was to hope that he would be able to help keeping d'Artagnan safe for a few more years.  
  
The man who had knocked d'Artagnan down delivered a sharp kick to the young man's ribs, testing his level of unconsciousness. When this caused no reaction at all he nodded, apparently satisfied. A few short gestures ordered his comrades to tie the young man up, quickly dragging him towards a cart. Aramis and Porthos were already waiting for him, both of them glaring at the mercenaries who so unceremoniously had disposed their youngest brother at their feet.  
  
From the way the men kept their distance to their captives, although they were no immediate threat for them, told Athos all he needed to know about the previous fight. Although he hadn't expected any less, it was oddly satisfying to know that his brothers hadn't gone down easily.  
  
"Make sure they can't escape and then break camp. Leave nothing behind."  
  
Obviously the man with the birthmark was the leader when the eagerness his orders were carried out with was any indication. Watching the men rush back and forth Athos suddenly became aware of the fact that he alone was still outside the cart, held by the three men that had taken him hostage. They didn't move, didn't push him forward and for a short moment he wondered about the curious fact that they seemed to wait for something. Whatever they were waiting for, it wouldn't be something he liked, that much was for sure. His worry increased when the man with the birthmark moved over to them, mouth twisted into a dangerous grin.  
  
As soon as the man was standing right in front of him his chin was caught in an unrelenting grip, forcing him to tilt his head with unnecessary roughness. A calloused thumb stroked over his upper lip, obviously searching for something. Seconds later the man laughed maliciously and pressed down against his scar, his nail a sharp bite against the rough patch of skin.  
  
It hurt far more than Athos expected but almost instantly the man released him and took a step back.  
  
"That's the right one."  
  
So it was _him_ , they had been targeting. Athos wasn't sure what to make of this new piece of information. On the one hand it was rather disturbing, especially with his wife still out there somewhere, on the other it might be all he needed to save his brothers from whatever fate this men had planned for them. When he indeed was the main target then maybe he would be able to negotiate his brothers' freedom in exchange for his unrestricted cooperation.  
  
A loud creaking sound interrupted his train of thought and suddenly Athos felt ice-cold panic gripping his heart when he saw that the cart had started moving.  
  
"Where are you taking them?"  
  
The leader leered at him and Athos nearly recoiled from shock but he was held firmly in place and so there was no room for him to avoid the touch of his captor. His neck was caught in a vicelike grip, effectively cutting off his air supply.  
  
"Don't worry, pretty. You will come with me."  
  
Dark edges and fraying shadows and the desperate need for air dragged him under and Athos let himself fall, thankfully slipping into oblivion.  
  
  


+++

  
  
After seven days of imprisonment Athos was ready to climb the walls.  
  
No-one had come to see him, no-one talked to him. Ever since he had been thrown into the small room he was currently kept in he had expected to be questioned, hurt, tortured even but nothing had happened. At all. It was, as if his capturer had completely forgotten about him and the growing uncertainty regarding his fate and – even more important – that of his friends left him restless and worried.  
  
On the one hand he knew he should be glad. He was left alone, well-fed and relatively warm, in a room so meticulously clean that it was hard to believe it a prison cell at all. On the other hand he was left completely in the dark. His friends might already be dead for all he knew but there was nothing he could do.  
  
At first he had tried to find a way to escape but soon had to admit defeat. The only window was barred and his cell was located rather high above the ground. Even if he could get rid of the bars it was impossible to jump – not without instantly killing himself. The door was locked ever since the moment it closed behind him, his meals delivered by a nondescript hand shoving a tray through the narrow slit carved into the bottom of the dark wood.  
  
The silence was getting on his nerves, the isolation proved devastating. His days were filled with desperate thoughts, planning and calculating despite the underlying fear that his imprisonment might continue forever. Maybe that was exactly what awaited him. Maybe he had done something to anger the King or the Cardinal and was now punished for something he wasn't even aware of. But no, that made no sense at all. It would be so much easier to just execute him – no one would question a direct order from the court. It just didn't add up. Why going to the trouble of hiring mercenaries to take him prisoner? A knife to the heart, an unfortunate accident on the road... the possibilities were endless and so much easier to obtain than... _this_.  
  
Restlessly he took up pacing. Back and forth, measuring his prison with impatient strides.  
  
Someone wanted him alive. Someone needed his cooperation or desired information about one of their missions. He had absolutely no clue what it was but he...  
  
A sudden commotion under his window made him stop, curiously tilting his head to listen. Creaking wheels and rough voices and the sudden hope flaring in his chest Athos made his way to the window, peering outside.  
  
They were alive.  
  
Relief washed over him like a wave and he closed his eyes for a silent prayer. Lost in his thoughts he nearly missed the click of the lock, accompanied by heavy footsteps approaching him.  
  
"I see you've found my incentive."  
  
Athos eyes flew open, dread forming in his gut.  
  
"You look good. I take it my hospitality is to your liking then?"  
  
Drawing a deep breath Athos steeled himself and turned around to finally encounter the man that had ordered his capture.  
  
  


+++

  
  
"I asked you a question."  
  
Athos was still standing in front of the window, frozen in place. Ever since the Duke of Savoy had entered the room he found himself unable to move, unable to speak. Of all the people he had expected to see... the Duke never even had crossed his mind.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
There was a moment of silence before Savoy snorted in disdain, mouth pressed into a hard, thin line. "What I want? After all that you have done you still have the audacity to ask?"  
  
"I've never..."  
  
The blow hit him out of nowhere. Athos stumbled back but remained on his feet. One hand came up to touch the sensitive skin on his cheek and Savoy chose this moment to struck out again, aiming for Athos stomach and this time the younger man went down, a pained gasp escaping his lips.  
  
"You humiliated me!"  
  
Savoy buried his hand in Athos hair, mercilessly dragging him up until he was on his knees. Face twisted with anger and barely hidden fury he loomed over his captive, his fingers tearing at the soft strands, forcing him to look up. "You humiliated me in front of the King and – even more important – in front of the Cardinal!"  
  
"I apologised."  
  
"Do you really think a meagre apology is enough to erase the shame and hurt of losing my face?"  
  
"I won a fair fight! You said so yourself!"  
  
"Silence!" The Duke hissed in open displeasure and loosened the grip on Athos hair. "Get up."  
  
Athos slowly got to his feet. He said nothing, only his eyes flickered over to the window where he had seen his friends mere minutes ago.  
  
"Ah yes, your incentive. Come..." Savoy held out his hand and Athos stepped forward, allowing the Duke to drag him forward until they both were standing in front of the window. Athos quickly searched the courtyard for his friends and he found them soon enough. They now were down in the dirt, hands bound behind them and ropes around their necks leashing them to heavy iron rings, embedded into the wall.  
  
Shocked Athos watched their reflections as the Duke stepped up behind him, wrapping one of his arms around the younger man's waist to jerk him backwards against his body.  
  
"Do you like my present?"  
  
"What do you want?" The Musketeer repeated his initial question and this time the Duke answered. Smiling cruelly he leaned forward, pressing himself against Athos back.  
  
"You owe me compensation for humiliating me and I'm going to repay this favour by taking away every last scrape of your pride."  
  
Hot breath ghosted over the sensitive skin on Athos neck and the younger man shuddered with barely concealed disgust.  
  
"You will do exactly what I want you to or your _brothers_ will pay the price of your insolence."  
  
"You will kill them I presume?" Athos tried to keep as calm as possible but the tremble in his voice betrayed him.  
  
"Kill them? Whatever good would that do?" The Duke smiled lovingly, a sight far more terrible than a sneer could have been. "There are so many different and more satisfying ways to destroy a man's life."  
  
Stunned by the sinister tone in the Dukes voice Athos barely flinched when a warm-wet mouth trailed the outline of his ear.  
  
"Tell me, what good is a sniper without his eyes? Or this brute you are so fond of without the ability to move his legs? Tendons are so very easy to severe... And the young one, well, I'm sure I can think of something appropriate. A quick cut to some vital part of his manhood perhaps...? No?"  
  
Relishing the horrified look on Athos face the Duke turned him around, securely held in the circle of his arms in a mock lovers embrace.  
  
"When you fail to fulfil my need for revenge I won't hesitate to carry through with my threats. I won't kill them. I want them to live, so they can curse the day they met you for the rest of their miserable lives." The Duke gently pushed back one strand of Athos hair, amiable smile still firmly in place. "Did I made myself clear, darling?"  
  
"Yes. I... I will do everything..."  
  
"I know. There was never a doubt about it." Stepping back Savoy gestured towards the door. "Shall we?"  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparantly I'm not able to count. This story just turned from two parts into four. I hope you don't mind.

  
  
The hallways were completely deserted.  
  
After being in solitary for so long Athos had already expected the mansion to be empty and so he wasn't surprised to find his assumptions confirmed. There was no-one in sight, no servants, no soldiers. Obviously the Duke had attached great importance to keeping his activities hidden.  
  
Savoy was walking right in front of him, completely at ease with showing him his unprotected back, secure in the knowledge that there was nothing Athos would do to him. He was right. In his hands the Duke held the one price Athos was never willing to pay, not even to save his life.  
  
They rounded a corner and Athos followed the man to a staircase spiralling downstairs in tightly wound twists. When it became clear that the Duke expecting him to walk down before him Athos complied, steadily ignoring the suffocating presence of his capturer behind him.  
  
As they descended down the stairs the urge to lash out, to provoke a fight became almost overwhelming. It would be so easy to just turn around, to throw himself at the Duke, surprising him with a sudden outburst of resistance, but Athos reined in his temper.  
  
As alluring as it sounded, even if he managed to force the Duke into killing him, there still was the chance that he wouldn't take well to the fact that he had been robbed of his revenge, something he most likely would take out on the men actually held captive in his backyard. And should he manage to win the prospects were even worse. Military strength, layout of the mansion – he didn't even know if they were still in France. And even more important than that were the orders that had been given in case Savoy was confronted with an attempt to escape. What would happen to his brothers should the Duke die from his hand? There was no way to predict the reactions of his men.  
  
It was a risk Athos just couldn't take.  
  
They had reached the end of the staircase and Savoy once again moved forward, one of his hands lingering on Athos shoulder as he walked by and without warning Athos found his concentration slipping.  
  
 _I'm_ _taking away every last scrape of your pride._  
  
With sudden clarity Athos remembered arms around his waist, holding him trapped against Savoy's warm body and his guts twisted in dreaded apprehension.  
  
Surely he was wrong?  Would one of the most important nobles in France really sink so low just to take revenge because of a lost duel?  
  
Not knowing, not being _certain_ , that it all had been nothing but a ploy to rattle him grated on his nerves, leaving him paralysed with fear.  
  
His step faltered.  
  
Seconds later a hard, calloused hand closed around his wrist, viciously twisting his arm in an unrelenting grip.  
  
"You know that playing for time won't help you escape the inevitable, don't you?"  
  
Athos nodded quickly, not willing to anger the man that could crush his brothers lives in a heartbeat.  
  
"Good."  
  
Another sharp twist and Athos lost his balance, only kept upright by the strong grip the Duke had on him. Without hesitation the Musketeer found himself whirled around, pushed and shoved across the floor until they stopped in front of a door he hadn't even noticed until now.  
  
"Come on, go inside." Once again the Duke plastered himself against Athos back, resting his chin on his shoulder. Reaching around the younger man he opened the door and gently coaxed his captive over the threshold.  
  
Athos froze in shock.  
  
Savoy chuckled in deep amusement, pressing a tender kiss to his temple. "Surprise."  
  
The man with the birthmark awaited them.  
  
  


+++

  
  
"I know you two have already met but let me introduce you properly."  
  
Savoy kept his arms around Athos shoulders, obviously more than enjoying the prospect of making him uncomfortable, when the gleeful tone of his voice was anything to go by.  
  
"This is Gaspard. He is a rather trusted employee of mine. His speciality are dangerous missions I can entrust no-one else with. Over the years he has made himself rather indispensable to me." The Duke slowly loosened the grip he had on Athos, encouragingly pushing him forward. "Loyalty should be rewarded, don't you agree?"  
  
For a short moment Athos wanted nothing more than to deceive himself, desperately praying to be caught up in a nightmare - but the grip the Duke had on him anchored him, denying him the luxury of blending out reality and then the hands holding onto him were gone to be immediately replaced by another's rough grip, and Athos found himself falling into the arms of the man that had so expertly attacked them.  
  
A harsh tug on his hair caused him to gasp and Gaspard plunged right in, all hungry lips and greedy tongue and Athos nearly choked on the sickening odour of wine and gravy he could taste in the man's breath.  
  
When Gaspard finally backed away Athos felt like throwing up. His body was burning with the need to rip this disgusting creature to shreds but there was nothing he could do to stop this man from taking whatever he wanted. Apparently his emotions were reflected in his eyes because suddenly the man threw back his head and _laughed_.  
  
"He doesn't like me."  
  
Savoy's answering chuckle sounded nearer than Athos had anticipated and only a mere second later a warm hand slid over his chest, idly playing with the laces of his shirt.  
  
"I hoped as much."  
  
The hand wandered deeper, exploring his body through his clothes before nimble fingers started to unbutton his breeches.  
  
"It's his punishment after all. We can't have him enjoying that."  
  
Gaspard took hold of his face again, once more plundering his mouth with relentless hunger while the Duke continued to work on the buttons until Athos could feel his breeches sliding down his legs.  
  
Now completely naked from the waist down Athos couldn't suppress the distressed noise emitting from his throat and Savoy laughed again.  
  
"You should see yourself, Athos. Looking so desperately wanton."  
  
 _Not true, not true, not true._  
  
"What would your brothers think could they see you like this?"  
  
Athos flinched, panic welling up inside him and all of a sudden it was too much. With a violent twist of his shoulders he managed to free himself from Gaspard's grip, his mind drowning in the overwhelming need to just get away, to run, to escape this terrible hell he had been thrown into but Gaspard only laughed again, effortlessly holding him in place until the struggles died down and rational thinking returned.  
  
Horrified by his behaviour and the possible consequences for his friends he turned his head and nearly flinched again when he stared right into the cold and unforgiving eyes of the Duke.  
  
They stared at each other in wordless consideration before Savoy hissed in barely concealed anger and backhanded Athos hard across the face.  
  
"Never. Do. That. Again."  
  
All the fight drained out of him and Athos lowered his head, ashamed by his reckless behaviour that easily could have cost his brothers lives.  
  
"I won't."  
  
The Duke stared at him for a moment longer before he nodded sharply for Gaspard to continue and took a step back, returning to his initial place.  
  
Immediately Athos found himself dragged forward again with Gaspard burying his face in his neck, licking the soft skin before biting down sharply, eliciting a painful cry from the younger man.  
  
"What did I say about leaving marks on him?"  
  
"I apologize." Gaspard threw his master an apologetic smile. "But he's just too pretty to resist."  
  
Savoy didn't answer this time but Athos assumed that he had gestured for Gaspard to carry on because the man continued – _touching, conquering, owning him_ – by pushing his hands beneath his shirt,  exploring his body with possessive touches.  
  
"I wish I could keep you." The man leaned forward, mouthing one of Athos nipples through the fabric of his shirt, teasing the small nub into hardness before he moved upwards, tugging at the cords that kept the thin fabric together. "I would have you every night, teaching you all those delicious things that men can do with each other."  
  
They kissed again and although Athos still felt revolted by everything he had been submitting to he couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss. Everything that had been done to him had been unpleasant and disgusting but it wasn't what he had expected to happen. He had been kissed and molested, marked even, but every contact seemed to be limited to the upper parts of his body. Not once had the man strayed deeper in his ministrations. And he very much wanted to when the hardness pressing against his leg was any indication.  
  
Why was he acting so... _tame_?  
  
The nagging voice in the back of his mind wouldn't leave him alone, insisting that his ordeal was far from over, that the Duke surely had something even more sinister in his mind to reprimand him.  
  
"Sire?"  
  
The voice was completely unknown to him and Athos slightly turned his head, involuntarily catching the eye of one of the Duke's soldiers that had shown up at the door. A desperate groan wrenched itself free, face blushing furiously in deeply felt embarrassment, terrified at the prospect that they weren't alone, that maybe they never had been alone to begin with, that his degradation was something to be shared and openly executed.  
  
What he could read in the dark eyes of the man frightened Athos more than he ever would admit – a terrible mixture of pity and hunger and lust swirling in the depths of the other man's gaze. He could only imagine how he looked, body covered with nothing but a thin linen shirt and his breeches pooling around his ankles, willingly held in the arms of another man like a common whore.  
  
His blush intensified.  
  
"We're ready, Sire." The soldier let his gaze wander over Athos body, obviously fighting with himself and Savoy quickly stepped into his line of vision, sending him away with a sharp order.  
  
"I'm sorry, Gaspard. But you have to stop now."  
  
The man sighed, nipping one last time at Athos bottom lip before he stepped away, regret plainly written over his face. "It's hard to let him go. He really is a beauty."  
  
Savoy smiled knowingly. "I hope you enjoyed nonetheless?"  
  
"Oh, yes. I did." With one last longing glance Gaspard made his way over to the door, leaving him once more alone with the Duke.  
  
"Get out of your boots and lose those breeches."  
  
The harsh command caught him by surprise but when he found the Duke glaring at him expectantly, Athos scrambled to obey. Now only clad in nothing but his shirt that barely covered his private parts he stood there, shivering when the cold from the marble floor beneath his naked feet crept up his legs.  
  
Threading his fingers through Athos dishevelled hair the Duke gently coaxed his head back, while his other hand tugged at his shirt, until the fabric gave in and slid down, baring one of his shoulders in the process.  
  
"Look at you... sin personified."  
  
Deeply disturbed by the Duke's words and actions Athos averted his gaze, hoping against all hope that this was the end, that Savoy's thirst for revenge had been quenched.  
  
He should have known better.  
  
One of the Duke's hands clamped around his wrist and once again Athos found himself led through a deserted hallway to whatever the Duke had planned next.  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this doesn't disappoint.

  
  
The darkness surrounding him was impenetrable.  
  
The thick fabric Savoy had used to blindfold him with prevented Athos from seeing anything at all. The loss of sight had left him disorientated and unbalanced but at least they had stopped moving.  
  
Athos was thankful that they seemed to have reached their destination despite the unknown horrors awaiting him. Being robbed of something so essential as plain and simple be able to see and therefore to _know_ what was about to happen to him had been a terrifying experience he never wanted to repeat again in his whole life. Every step had been full of weary anticipation, expecting something – _anything_ – to happen but it seemed as if the Duke hadn't planned on spoiling his final masterpiece with unnecessary foreplay.  
  
A firm shove moved him into position, the Duke coaxing him back against his chest, keeping him in a firm embrace.  
  
Athos almost snapped. Not a tactile person by nature the constant touching proved to be an additional trial for him. Never before had he thought mere touching would wear him down this quickly but the warm hands on his body were causing his stomach to twist and turn in deeply felt repulsion.  
  
"Gaspard is right, you know? You really are a beauty." Savoy suddenly whispered into his ear and Athos shuddered in trepidation, willing himself to relax into the unwelcoming embrace of a man he had come to despite even more than ever before.  
  
 _He could endure this._  
  
"Maybe I will keep you. My court could use such an enticing amenity like you."  
  
The bold touches sliding over his stomach ventured deeper to cup his crotch beneath his shirt.  
  
"So gorgeous..."  
  
Athos tried to ignore the filthy nothings the Duke whispered into his ear, designed to unsettle his already frayed self-confidence, tried to blend out the terms of endearment breathed against his skin like they were lovers but keeping his composure became harder and harder.  
A strong hand pushed up his shirt, revealing his naked flesh to the surrounding cold and Savoy gently coaxed him to lean back even more, gently stroking the taut muscles quivering under his touch with greedy determination.  
  
"Your skin feels like silk... begging to be touched."  
  
Savoy was good at what he was doing, Athos had to give him that, taking possession of his body by imploring every inch with growing implicitness, leaving no doubt about his intentions until the younger man was literally shaking with the effort to keep still, blocking out the gruff voice assaulting his mind by concentrating on the one thing that always had kept him sane and grounded – his brothers.  
  
He could endure this nightmare. For them he could.  
  
"I had planned to demand your presence in my chambers the very night we fought but you had to go and ruin it all by winning our duel. You cannot expect me to ignore such insolence."  
  
Hot breath ghosted over his neck and Athos allowed himself a short moment of regret. He should have killed that overbearing bastard when he had had chance, consequences be damned but now it was too late and so he forced himself to forget that Savoy was responsible for the deaths of so many Musketeers, that he was an arrogant sod who expected the world to bend to each and every whim he wanted to indulge in, lashing out in blind rage like a child throwing a tantrum when things didn't go like he wanted them to.  
  
"You need to pay."  
  
How often had he heard these words in his dreams? How often had he told himself that he needed to pay for the sins he had committed? He certainly would do almost everything to undo the mistakes of the past but this... this would destroy him. Submitting to Savoy's wishes would tear his already broken soul apart, leaving nothing behind but an irrevocably broken shell.  
  
Maybe it was poetic justice. Maybe it was all he deserved. His naivety had cost his brother his life, his deafness to reality had caused a promising young man to perish long before his time. Never again would he risk the lives of his younger siblings. It was his responsibility to take care of them.  
  
A sharp pinch twisted his nipple and Athos instinctively tried to escape the sudden pain, involuntarily colliding with the Duke's firm chest in his back.  
  
"I asked you a question, Athos. Do _not_ ignore me."  
  
"I... I'm sorry."  
  
The Duke hummed in thoughtful acknowledgement. "I know you are but this is already the third time you openly disregarded me. I think its time that you face the consequences of your misbehaviour."  
  
"What are you going to do?" Athos mouthed the words almost inaudibly but the Duke heard him nonetheless.  
  
"You know exactly what I will do. I already told you, right at the beginning that your brothers will take the fall should you fail to please me." The older man smiled against his neck, voice thick with cruel satisfaction. "But I'm not a monster. Although you failed me three times, I will only punish one of them. It will be your decision and you will _watch_ so that you both will always remember who is to blame."  
  
"No..." Athos slumped into the hold Savoy had on him, tears stinging in his eyes. "Don't take it out on them! It is me who failed, let me be the one to be punished!"  
  
Fighting against the hold around his waist until he was chest to chest with the Duke Athos desperately clawed at the doublet he could feel under his fingers.  
  
"Please. Don't harm them."  
  
Cursing the fact that he couldn't see the man's reaction Athos went down on his knees, tilting his face upwards in what he hoped to be a genuine expression of remorse and submission. He was rewarded with gentle fingers threading through his hair, caressing his scalp with soothing movements. It was devastatingly intimate.  
  
"We both know that hurting your brothers will hurt you more than taking it out on you ever could. So why would I give up on this?"  
  
"Because..." Athos swallowed hard, needing a few deep breaths before he was able to continue. "Because you want to humiliate me. Hurting my friends won't achieve that."  
  
For a long time there was nothing but thoughtful silence. Athos licked his suddenly too dry lips, internally praying for a wonder and then...  
  
"Alright, darling."  
  
Athos nearly sobbed in relief when he was unceremoniously hauled to his feet and spun around, a heavy hand settling at the base of his neck.  
  
"You will follow my orders without complaint or hesitation. One step out of line and you won't like what will happen to your friends. Is this understood?"  
  
Athos nodded almost eagerly, his resolve strengthened by the promise of keeping his brothers safe.  
  
"Good. Keep still." The Duke took hold of the blindfold, slowly working it open. "Remember your promise, darling. Not one word. You will stay... absolutely... silent."  
  
The blindfold fell away, revealing the full extent of the Duke's malicious nature...  
  
 _Dear god. No._  
  
...and Athos world shattered into pieces.  
  
  


+++

  
  
 _They had heard him beg._  
  
All of a sudden Athos found it hard to breathe, gaze fixed on the bruised and battered faces of his brothers.  
  
 _They had seen him on his knees in front of the very man that was responsible for the slaughter of twenty fellow Musketeers._  
  
Several of the Duke's soldiers were standing at the other side of the room, threatening each of his brothers with a weapon pressed to the back of their heads. Tied to chairs in front of those soldiers were his friends with Porthos in the middle, Aramis to his left and d'Artagnan to his right, their accusing stares burned him like acid poured into an open wound.  
  
 _They had witnessed the Duke's hands all over his body, claiming him like he had every right to do so._  
  
Maybe he should be thankful that they were gagged but the fury in their eyes spoke volumes and Athos realised that his worst nightmare had come true.  
  
"Not so proud now, are you?" Savoy stepped up behind him, cradling him in his arms again. "What do you think? Should we give them a little show?"  
  
Athos squirmed uncomfortably when the Duke pushed his legs apart with his thigh, rough fabric an unpleasant sensation against his bare skin. Now even more exposed than before Athos found himself blushing furiously at the knowledge that every eye in this room was on him. He didn't dare look at his friends, instead he watched the Duke's men and the undisguised hunger he saw in some of the guards eyes nearly made him cringe.  
  
"Do you think they would like you to suck them off?" The Duke trailed the tip of his index finger over Athos lips. "I'm sure they would love to see you on your knees again."  
  
 _He had been wrong._  
  
Two fingers pushed against his mouth, pressing inside. "Come on, darling. Get them nice and wet. It's the only help you will get."  
  
 _He wasn't strong enough, never had been._  
  
The Musketeer closed his eyes but a sharp pinch to his already abused nipple had him gasp out in sudden pain.  
  
"Keep your eyes open, boy. No need to hide from the shame, am I not right?"  
  
For a moment Athos felt like vomiting but he obeyed nonetheless, his gaze fixed on a point somewhere above the heads of his friends.  
  
A warm, strong hand brushed over his lower belly, playing with the curls of his pubic hair, while the other slid over his ribcage and hip, dragging up his shirt in the process. The teeth scraping over the sensitive skin of his neck were the only warning Athos got before the Duke firmly pressed down on his crotch to keep him in place, simultaneously forcing his fingers inside him in one cruel move.  
  
Athos bit his lip to prevent himself from crying, eyes watering at the burning pain that set his lower body afire.  
  
"Relax and let me in, darling."  
  
Shaking uncontrollably Athos missed the Duke's next move, the hand closing around his flaccid cock completely taking him by surprise and the Musketeer flinched, straining to get away from the unwanted touch but the fingers buried deep inside his ass kept him in place.  
  
"Shhh..." The Duke nuzzled his hair in mock consideration. "Let's make this a little more pleasurable for you."  
  
The fingers inside him started moving, slowly, deliberately opening him up until they found a certain spot deep inside him that caused his body to tingle, sending unwanted sparks of lust through nerve endings he didn't even know he possessed. The pressure inside his bowels increased. It felt strange but it also felt good and to his never ending horror he felt himself harden.  
  
"There you go." The hand on his cock tightened, thumb teasingly caressing the head.  
  
Athos gasped at the sensation and the Duke chuckled appreciatively and without warning he added a third finger to fuck him open wider, stroking his inner walls with quick, effective movements.  
  
Fully hard by now Athos had unconsciously started to shallowly thrust into the calloused hand, desperate to increase the friction. When he realised what he was doing he willed himself to stop but the grip the Duke had on him was relentless and soon he was too far gone to care and then the fingers inside him twisted, nails scraping over his insides and the first drops of pre-come gathered at the tip of his cock.  
  
"That's it, Athos. You are such a pretty little whore."  
  
 _He was right, wasn't he?_  
  
Face burning with humiliation Athos felt the sting of tears in his eyes and a new wave of embarrassment washed over him. His dick was throbbing with need and then the fingers stilled, applying constant pressure to his prostate and Athos simply lost it. His orgasm overtook him, a low keening sound escaping his lips accompanied by a sudden burst of pleasure wrecking his body and his twitching hips pushed one, two more times into the firm hold the Duke's hand had on him.  
  
When he came back from his high reality hit like a stone.  
  
 _What had he done?_  
  
"I hope you learned your lesson."  
  
The Duke raised his hand, gathered semen dripping from his fist, and with a disdainful sneer he smeared it across Athos face.  
  
"We are done here."  
  
Exhausted and too shocked to move Athos merely blinked, tasting the bitter accusation of failure on his lips.  
  
After that everything was a blur.  
  
He watched the soldiers leave, watched the Duke walk straight past him, nearly missing the knife clattering to the floor next to his feet. Senses dulled by shock Athos moved as if in a dream. His hand closed around the knife and for a moment he just stared at it, admiring its lethal beauty before his hand closed around the handle.  
  
When he cut the ropes around Aramis wrists he kept his eyes to the floor, not willing to expose himself to the disappointment and reproach he would find in the dark gaze of the younger man and with only a slight tremble betraying his inner turmoil he offered the knife to him. Soon the others were freed and Athos found himself bundled up in Porthos cloak and placed in front of a fireplace.  
  
Someone had found his clothes and Athos had dressed like in a haze, hands following the memories of his mind to close buttons and laces, until his treacherous body was once again hidden from the world.  
  
They had decided to stay in the mansion, seeing that it really was completely abandoned, and Athos had pretended not to care, had pretended to be asleep but sleep wouldn't come and in the darkest hour of the night he silently got up, slipping out of the protective circle of his friends and without looking back he vanished into the night.  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I'm still not able to count. There now will be five parts. I think.  
> 2) I disappointed myself with this chapter but somehow this version was the only that worked out.  
> 3) I apologize for everything.

  
  
He found the old abandoned ruin by chance.  
  
After being on the road for three days Athos was bone-tired and weary but sheer stubbornness forced him on when he suddenly stumbled over an obstacle turning up in his path, nearly twisting his ankle in the process.  
  
Cursing under his breath he sat there, simply too exhausted to immediately get up again, when he saw it. Barely visible beneath the thick bushes growing in each and every direction was a small deer crossing, leading deeper into the forest. He would have missed it entirely had he not been on the ground.  
  
Deciding that one hide-out was as good as the other Athos started crawling, painfully dragging himself through the natural barrier the bushes had formed. The thorns tore at his hair and clothing but Athos didn't stop until he was sure to be hidden from sight before he collapsed into an undignified heap on the ground. Long minutes passed before he finally rolled over onto his back, idly watching the setting sun filter through the canopy of leaves above him.  
  
He could find his peace here he realised, the silence surrounding him soothing and so very comfortable and Athos closed his eyes, already half asleep, when he heard the sound of hooves in the distance nearing his position with alarming speed.  
  
 _They wouldn't follow him, would they?_  
  
Groaning inaudibly he moved around, sliding forward until he could watch the road without being seen.  
  
Soon the sound of horses drowned out everything else and then two men he had never seen before in his whole life raced past him in frantic haste. Athos watched them with baited breath until they had vanished from his sight, sending a silent prayer of thanks to the heavens.  
  
For a few minutes he just lay there, more than willing to give in to the exhaustion that had settled deep inside his bones but the short encounter with the two horsemen had shaken off the numbness that had pushed him on and Athos had to admit that it wouldn't do him any good to expose himself so carelessly. That the two men hadn't seen him had been nothing but pure luck in combination with the fact that they had been in a hurry. Everyone else would most probably have seen the more then obvious trail he had left behind and might have been inclined to take a closer look.  
  
He couldn't risk to be found, not when he needed to bring his current task to an end.  
  
For a moment Athos considered his options and with renewed resolve he straightened himself and trudged on, moving deeper into the forest.  
  
 _Not that they would be looking but one could never be too sure._  
  
Although he was fairly certain that they were glad to see him gone he didn't want take any chances. So even if someone found the point where he had left the road it was highly unlikely that they would waste their time by pursuing him further than a few steps through the undergrowth obscuring the small path.  
  
He walked round a puddle, ignoring his growing thirst for the certainty that soon the needs of his body wouldn't matter anymore.  
  
 _One last act of duty and he finally would be free._  
  
The night Athos decided to leave his brothers he had known that it was time to accept responsibility for what he had done. To rid them of the burden he had become was the only option left. His brothers... no. They weren't his brothers any longer, he had lost every right to call them that. _They_ didn't need a liability in their ranks, didn't need someone who abused their trust and endangered them through his sheer existence. He would make things right by vanishing from the face of earth, giving them the freedom to find someone better to fill his place. It was better this way.  
  
Lost in his thoughts Athos was completely caught off guard when one of his feet got stuck in a rabbit-hole. Flailing his hands came up too late to break his fall and for the second time that day he went down. This time his breath was driven out of him when his ribs collided with something hard and unforgiving that had hidden under the leaves carpeting the earth and all Athos could do was to blink away involuntary tears, while he desperately tried to remember how to breathe again.  
  
When the pain finally subsided he moved his hand through the leaves, curious to find the object that had caused him so much pain. His fingers closed around a small stone and arm already raised to fling it into the bushes he looked up.  
  
Right in front of him was a ruin that once must have been a neat little house but now was nothing more than broken tiles and splintered rafters. Windows had turned into gaping holes of destruction and through the half open door mould covered walls vanished into the deeper parts of the building, a dark abyss silently waiting for a new inhabitant.  
  
Without realising that he had moved at all Athos stepped forward, entranced by the seductive promise of the darkness that lured him in. One short moment of hesitation and then he walked on, willingly embracing the soothing oblivion awaiting him.  
  
It was almost like coming home.  
  
  


+++

  
  
 _You betrayed the memory of our brothers, you betrayed_ us _._  
  
Athos woke with a start, heart pounding in his chest. For a long moment he just lay there, trying to get his breathing back under control, the reminiscences of his dream still lingering on.  
  
 _It had been so realistic..._  
  
Drawing in a shuddering breath Athos finally opened his eyes, blinking into the dim light filling the small room he had chosen to hide in. How long had he been sleeping?  
  
 _Did it really matter?_  
  
No. Athos smiled wistfully, content in the knowledge that it would be over sooner than later when the exhaustion weighing down his body was anything to go by. Not able to keep his eyes open any longer Athos gave in to the increasing desire to slip back into oblivion.  
  
Maybe this time he would be able to escape the memories, would be able to stop his mind from replaying the previous events over and over until he couldn't take it anymore...  
  
 _Footsteps?_  
  
...until he had the feeling to be flayed alive by his foolish and cowardly behaviour...  
  
Someone sneezed nearby and Athos had murmured a heartfelt 'bless you' before he even noticed what he was doing.  
  
"Good to see you're still alive then."  
  
Athos eyes flew open, his heart constricting in ice-cold desperation.  
  
It was over.  
  
They had searched for him after all.  
  
  


+++

  
  
Athos was confused.  
  
He was resting, as requested by the men surrounding him, pretending to be asleep while he watched them through his lashes, careful not to hint that he still was awake.  
  
Their behaviour was something he just couldn't understand. For once he had acted completely sensible, had made it easy for them to forget about him and still... here they were.  
  
 _Why?_  
  
Turning this little mystery over and over in his head he tried to figure out their motives. There was nothing they needed him for. He was useless. A dead weight dragging them down.  
  
Caught up in his thoughts Athos watched them moving around the room, taking care of all the smalls tasks needed to turn their resting place into a rather comfortable camp. Watching them lured him into a false sense of normalcy and for a short moment he allowed himself to pretend that it was just another night somewhere on the road, another relaxing evening with shared laughter and stories and comfort.  
  
 _Fool._  
  
Digging his nails into the balls of his thumbs to the point of nearly breaking the skin Athos admonished himself for being weak. Again.  
  
"What the hell was he thinking?"  
  
Porthos question snapped him out of his reverie and Athos held his breath, suddenly curious to learn about their motives.  
  
Aramis looked up from where he was sorting through his medical supplies and regarded Porthos with a sad expression in his eyes. "You _know_ him."  
  
Just three words, explaining nothing at all but for them it seemed to be enough.  
  
Silence fell over the room, only interrupted by d'Artagnan leaning over the small kettle boiling on the fire, stirring the thin soup he was cooking. It still came as a surprise how good a cook the young man had proved to be. Something they had quickly used to their advantage by giving the dreaded task over to him. D'Artagnan never complained, on the contrary. He seemed to like it.  
  
"Meal's ready. Should we wake him?"  
  
"Let him sleep. He must be exhausted after all those miles he walked in the past days." Aramis threw a contemplating look at him and Athos didn't dare to move, hoping he would be able to deceive him. "Stubborn fool."  
  
There was an odd fondness in his voice Athos couldn't quite place. It irritated him.  
  
 _Why couldn't they just let him go?_  
  
"As soon as he's feeling better I'm going to fucking kill him!" Porthos exclaimed and the other two laughed. They were completely at ease, their past ordeal obviously forgotten. They sat down around the fire, the warm glow illuminating their faces and Athos was glad to see that the scrapes and bruises he had seen before seemed to be healing well. Neither men seemed to be seriously injured – a small mercy Athos was more than thankful for.  
  
D'Artagnan handed Aramis a bowl full of steaming soup and Athos felt his mouth water. It was so long since he had eaten something and now there was this wonderful smell and surely they wouldn't deny him when he asked... It was impossible. Asking them would lead to talking and he didn't want to talk, didn't want to face their anger and disappointment or even worse their pity. All he wanted was to be left alone but they didn't seem inclined to leave him.  
  
Like always Porthos was the first one to finish and he gestured for the youngest Musketeer to fill his bowl again.  
  
 _No-one was looking in his direction._  
  
Athos gnawed thoughtfully on his bottom lip, not sure if he would be able to make it. The weakness had settled deep inside his bones and he wasn't even sure if he would be able to stand, let alone run but he had to try. This was most probably his only chance to make things right again.  
  
It would be far easier to wait until they were asleep but these Musketeers were the best and he already had fooled them once – there was no way they would fall for the same trick twice.  
  
Living the life of a soldier for more than five years now had taught him a multitude of things and one of it definitely was how to draw on last reserves, to push his body to its limits and beyond. Athos pushed away the blanket they had covered him with and as silently as possible he climbed to his feet.  
  
One short look over to the fire reassured him that they still were eating, their voices a soft murmur in the background and keeping himself in the shadows he approached the door, just one more step...  
  
Strong arms closed around his waist, effortlessly keeping him in place, an angry voice growling in his ear. "Try to run one more time and so help me God you will regret it."  
  
"Porthos! No!"  
  
 _Hands around his waist, on his body, touching, touching, touching and it was too much, his whole world drowning in memories and_ Athos was fighting, clawing at the hands that constricted him, twisting and straining against their hold, rational thinking gone. All that was left was the primal urge to run, to escape, to not let it happen again and then he was free and the change was so abrupt and sudden that he lost balance, stumbling against the wall behind him, head snapping back, roughly colliding with the stones.  
  
"What have you _done_?"  
  
And the world went black.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm about to bang my head against the wall because this story just refuses to _end_. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

  
  
_He really should stop drinking so much._  
  
His head hurt, a throbbing pain spreading through his skull that left him slightly nauseous but Athos was used to it. After all the hangovers he had experienced in the past years of his life it was a feeling he knew all too well by now. Contemplating the need to get up and find the obligatory bucket of ice water Athos finally found the courage to open his eyes, groaning in despair when the light of the morning sun caused his headache to intensify.  
  
The second attempt at opening his eyes was executed far more carefully and Athos managed to blink his surroundings into focus.  
  
He was in a room he had never seen before.  
  
For a long moment he was completely confused, desperately trying to figure out where he had ended up after last night's... last night's...  
  
_Oh._  
  
He remembered now. He had completely lost it, had embarrassed himself and his brothers with a devastating lack of restraint.  
  
_And here he had thought he couldn't sink any lower._  
  
Suddenly on the verge of tears Athos rolled over to one side and curled up into a tight little ball. There was an emptiness inside of him he had felt only once before in his life. After Thomas' funeral and the supposed hanging of his wife he had been sure that nothing could ever hurt him again this badly. He had been wrong. The Duke had broken through all of his defences with ridiculous ease, had shattered the pretence of self-esteem with a few well aimed blows and now all that was left was nothing but a worthless accumulation of flesh and bones, only breathing because of the sentimentality of his former brothers.  
  
Why they insisted on saving him again and again was something he would never understand. They had done it so many times now, had dragged him out of taverns and walked him home when he was too drunk to even see straight, had protected him during battles and brawls and never once left his side regardless of how vitriolic and nasty his comments or actions.  
  
And what had he done to repay them?  
  
All he had achieved in his life was to bring pain and despair to all daring to come close to him. It was a wonder that none of his friends had come to permanent harm or ended up dead by now. Ending things with a clean cut like he had planned would have been the best course of action for all parties involved but he hadn't even managed _that_ without creating a mess.  
  
God, he really was pathetic.  
  
"Athos?"  
  
Squeezing his eyes shut Athos kept as motionless as possible, willing Aramis to leave him alone, to walk away, to…  
  
Soft fingers trailed through his hair and Athos flinched away from the unexpected contact by burying his face deeper into the cushions.  
  
"I'm sorry I startled you but I need to make sure that your injury didn't get worse."  
  
Injury? Despite his intention to not react the prospect of being hurt sparked his curiosity and when he reached back his fingers found a rather large bump at the back of his head. At least that explained his headache then.  
  
A warm touch against his skin and Athos drew back his hand as if it had been burned. He couldn't see the Musketeers face but he knew that he most probably was surprised by Athos reaction but when he spoke his voice was completely devoid of emotions.  
  
"The swelling has gone down considerably. It will be fine in few days."  
  
Refusing to react Athos firmly kept his back turned on Aramis, eyes fixed on the wall in front of him.  
  
"We are at a monastery." Aramis continued lightly, as if everything was alright, as if they still were _friends_. "We brought you here after you decided to knock yourself out. We were fortunate to find it after riding for about an hour through the most unsightly area of France I have ever passed through in my whole life."  
  
He could hear Aramis moving around the room. One of the shutters clattered and suddenly the room was plunged into pleasant twilight. An inaudible sigh escaped his lips and Athos let the shadows wash over him, bringing immediate relief for his pounding head.  
  
"We're right next door. Just call when you need us."  
  
The door closed and Athos was once more alone with his demons and fears.  
  
  


+++

  
  
When Aramis returned he brought with him a tray loaded with bread and cheese and a small bottle of wine.  
  
He didn't say anything, just placing the food on the table and sitting down in a chair right next to Athos bed.  
  
"I know you cannot believe it right now but you are not at fault."  
  
Athos stoically ignored him, head turned towards the wall but Aramis continued, the lack of response displayed by the older man leaving him completely unimpressed.  
  
"There is nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening. Being helpless and not in control of your own fate is a hard lesson to learn but I know that you will succeed in not letting this bastard win."  
  
For a moment all he could hear was the occasional rustle of clothing each time Aramis moved and Athos wondered why he had stopped talking. He had seemed so intent on...  
  
"Oblivion can be an alluring temptation."  
  
Aramis voice had gone deeper, rougher around the edges and against his will Athos found himself listening, drawn in by the sudden change in his normally so playful and carefree friend.  
  
"It would be so easy just to slip away, to let the darkness take over and be done with it all."  
  
Aramis understood. Of course he did. Athos felt a tiny spark of hope blooming in his chest. Maybe everything would turn out alright after all. Aramis could help him get away, could make the others see...  
  
"You can't."  
  
Against his better knowledge he turned his head, deeply felt betrayal burning in his eyes. Aramis answering smile was so genuinely caring, so full of  _love_ that Athos suddenly found himself unable to breathe.  
  
"We need you."  
  
Defiantly picking at the clean linen covering his body Athos lowered his gaze, lips pressed into a thin line. How could they still want him? How could they forgive?  
  
The friendship offered so readily  _hurt_ .  
  
When Athos finally found the courage to look up Aramis had already reached the door.  
  
The need to know, to  _understand_ became overwhelming and swallowing hard he finally spoke the first word in what seemed forever.  
  
_"Why?"_   
  
  


+++

  
  
Athos was alone again, his emotions in turmoil.  
  
For more than two hours now he was repeating the conversation with Aramis over and over in his head.  
  
_We thought we had lost you. Don't do this ever again._  
  
After all the things he had done, after everything that had happened they still cared for him. They had searched the woods surrounding the Duke's mansion for days until Porthos finally found the trail he had left behind.  
  
_Where-ever you go we will follow. You are our brother, Athos. You are ours to protect and care for._  
  
They would never have given up. They would have followed him to the end of earth and beyond just to make sure that he was safe, that he was unharmed and Athos was stunned in the face of so much devotion.  
  
_We are family, Athos. Never doubt that we love you._  
  
It was a hard to truth to comprehend and it had left him reeling, head spinning with unforeseeable implications.  
  
They really loved him, he saw that now. And that was why he had to go.  
  
  


+++

  
  
He could hear their voices through the door of their room and for a moment Athos hesitated, knowing all too well that what he was to do about next would irrevocably destroy their friendship once and for all. This was going to hurt them but it was the only way. Endangering them was a risk he wouldn’t – _couldn't_ – take again.  
  
Inhaling deeply he straightened himself and knocked once before he opened the door.  
  
They turned towards him immediately, their eyes full of careful hope and Athos heart clenched at the thought that within the next minutes this fragile spark that so easily could have rekindled their relationship would be crushed to dust.  
  
"How are you feeling?" D'Artagnan took a cautious step forward but stopped, clearly insecure about how to proceed further.  
  
Athos ignored his question, lips twisting into a short, sad smile. His gaze wandered over the familiar faces, desperate to etch every single detail into this memory.  
  
_He had to be strong. Just one more time._  
  
"I know that... that I am important to you..." He trailed off, voice suddenly thick with unwanted emotions. Saying goodbye to the most important part of his life proved to be harder than he ever could have imagined.  
  
"...and I am very grateful for everything you have done for me."  
  
D'Artagnan reached out, hand hovering over his arm but he didn't dare to touch. "Athos?"  
  
_They knew, he could see it in their eyes. They knew and they would be disappointed but he had to... had to..._  
  
"You're going to leave us. Again." Aramis didn't need to ask.  
  
"Yes." Athos couldn't bear to look at them, couldn't bear to ruin the last moments they had together with such a...  
  
D'Artagnan cleared his throat, a slight tremble in his voice Athos had never heard before. "Where will you go?"  
  
Athos shrugged and finally looked up, unnerved by Porthos unnatural silence. Dark eyes full of resignation and guilt stared back at him and then the younger man sighed and pushed himself up from where he had been leaning against the wall.  
  
"You're leaving because of me, am I right?"  
  
"Porthos..." All of a sudden Athos found himself rendered speechless, completely unable to comprehend the events unfolding in front of his eyes. Why would Porthos of all people think that he was to blame? For what? _Nothing_ of this was his fault.  
  
"Stay. You need them more than I do."  
  
Porthos words rippled the surface of the uncomfortable silence stretching between them, bringing with them shards and splinters of times long past, of laughter and friendship and _belonging_ and Athos wanted nothing more than to throw himself forward into their arms but before he had a chance to react Porthos had already crossed the room with two, three, four big strides, passing Athos without even sparing him one single glance.  
  
And just like that his whole existence regained focus and with terrible clarity he saw what leaving them would do to the others, what it would do to Porthos. He couldn't go, not like that, not when Porthos was consumed by guilt although he had done nothing wrong.  
  
"Porthos, wait!"  
  
Athos started running.  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite nervous right now because the ending surprised even me. But seeing that my stories always develop a life of their own...

  
  
It had taken Athos unbearable long minutes to figure out where Porthos had gone and when he finally caught up with him the dark skinned man had already started to saddle his horse, intent on leaving as quickly as possible.  
  
Athos entered the stable and stopped on the threshold, blinking to adjust to the shadowy twilight the stables were immersed in. It didn't take him long to spot Porthos halfway hidden behind his horse, fastening straps and buckles with outmost precision, each move a sharp and calculated exercise in efficiency.  
  
The change in his friend's behaviour was intimidating.  
  
Athos swallowed, suddenly overwhelmed by his own shortcomings. Porthos always smiled, his friendly and welcoming nature bringing happiness to all around him but this... this was not the man he knew so well. This was a battle-hardened soldier, cold and far too aloof for Athos liking.  
  
Never before had he seen his friend to act so... distant.  
  
Unsure how to proceed further Athos hesitated, frozen in place in the middle of the door, insecurely twisting the soft fabric of his shirt between his fingers.  
  
This was his fault. Once again had he destroyed the trust someone else so foolishly had placed in him by revealing his true nature, the façade of make-belief and play pretend ripped to shreds in the light of his failings. He should have known that he couldn't hide forever.  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
The question shook him out of his reverie and Athos flinched at the harsh tone. There was so much pain in Porthos voice, the obvious hurt slicing his heart wide open, leaving him vulnerable and distraught, and for a long, terrified moment Athos found himself struck speechless. He never had been good with words, the simple act of _talking_ more often than not proving to be an ability forever beyond his reach.  
  
But losing Porthos never had been an option.  
  
"You have..." Athos closed his eyes, nearly choking on his inability to find the right words, to make Porthos understand. What he wanted to say seemed so inadequate, so... meaningless. Porthos deserved so much more, deserved everything, not the disappointing fragments and pieces Athos was able to give.  
  
"Please stay. You have done nothing wrong."  
  
There, he had said it. Athos glanced up through his lashes but what he saw nearly made him cringe. It wasn't enough. He could see it in Porthos eyes, could see it in his every move that his meagre explanations didn't suffice at all and with a bitter laugh he shook his head. Of course it wasn't enough. What had he been thinking?  
  
"Porthos please..." Athos stepped forward, fingers closing around one of Porthos arms in a desperate attempt to not let him go, to convey his feelings through sheer touch alone. "There is no need for you to leave."  
  
"I _hurt_ you!"  
  
"It was my own fault."  
  
"I hurt you." Porthos repeated firmly. "It never has been my intention but I have and I think it is better when I go. I don't want to hurt you again."  
  
Athos shook his head. "You never hurt my in all the time we are together and you never will. Please know that I'm not blaming you for this unfortunate incident at the ruin. Had I not acted like a fool nothing of this would have happened at all. My decision to leave has nothing to do with it. I'm not leaving because of you. I am leaving _for_ you."  
  
Their eyes met, blue holding brown, and suddenly there was an unidentified gleam in Porthos eyes that sent an uneasy shiver down Athos spine.  
  
"So, you are just protecting us?"  
  
"Yes." Athos inhaled deeply before he found the courage to continue. "Understand that you have done nothing wrong. It is me who is at fault. I have no right to stay and endanger you further."  
  
"I see." Porthos detached himself from Athos grip, abruptly turning around to grab the reins of his horse, leading it forward. "Get out of my way."  
  
Too shell-shocked to move Athos just stared, completely unable to comprehend the events unfolding right in front of his eyes, the renewed rejection completely taking him by surprise.  
  
_This was not happening._  
  
"Athos, step aside."  
  
Never before had Porthos spoken to him in such a condescending tone, his anger almost palpable in its intensity and for the first time in his life Athos felt a twinge of fear while looking at the enraged Musketeer in front of him.  
  
_Porthos seemed so angry._  
  
"Of course I am angry!" Porthos suddenly exploded and Athos realised that he must have spoken out loud. Although shocked by the other man's outburst he opened his mouth to explain, but Porthos wasn't finished. Not by a long shot when the darkened expression marring his face was an indication for his mood. "How can I not be angry when you continue to wallow in self-pity? It won't help you, you know?"  
  
The accusation hit Athos with the force of a physical blow, driving the breath out of his lungs and leaving him dangerously light-headed.  
  
"I just try to do what's best for you and Aramis and d'Artagnan." Athos mind still was reeling from the unjustified reproach his friend had thrown at him but before he regained his composure Porthos pressed on. He had been forced onto the defensive and they both knew it.  
  
"Whatever gave you the impression that you have any right to decide what's the best for us?"  
  
"Because it is my responsibility to take care of you! I have made so many mistakes in my past that it’s a wonder something like this has never happened before. Tell me what should I do when another of my numerous enemies tries to take revenge on me by hurting _you_? Or one of the others? That's something I would never be able to live with!" Exhaustion taking over Athos shoulders slumped forward and he averted his eyes, not willing to face Porthos any longer. "I am a liability and the only logical course of action is to eliminate the risk. As soon as I'm out of the picture you are free to find someone better than me to fill my place."  
  
"Better than... don't you dare. Don't you fucking dare!"  
  
Without warning Athos found himself grabbed and spun around, his back colliding with the wooden planks of the door, strong hands holding his shoulders in a vice-like grip, effortlessly pinning him in place. Staring wide-eyed at his friend looming over him, Athos pushed against Porthos chest, a feeble attempt to free himself, but against his bigger and heavier friend he had no chance.  
  
"There is no one better than you. You always have been like an older brother to us and I know you think that it's your duty to take care of us but whatever happened you don't have to carry this burden alone. Have we not proved over and over again that we are your friends, your _family_? And still you push us away out of a misguided sense of conceitedness."  
  
"You don't understand…" Once again Athos tried to reason but Porthos clearly had every intention to get rid of all the pent-up emotions brewing within him.  
  
"No, Athos. It is you who doesn't understand. We are grown men and we make our own decisions and no-one has the right to tell us how to feel about the most important person of our lives. Not even you."  
  
"Porthos…" His own voice sounded completely foreign in his ears. Thin, pathetic and far too pitiful for his liking but something in Porthos stony-faced expression seemed to mellow somewhat, obviously sensing his distress and just like that his anger seemed to evaporate and he visibly deflated.  
  
"Do you believe us to be weak?"  
  
Confused by the unbearable softness of Porthos voice Athos gave up his attempts to free himself and looked up. "Of course not! How can you even ask?"  
  
"Do you think we're not able to take care of ourselves then?"  
  
"No! Whatever gave you this idea?"  
  
"Well, from where I am standing that's exactly what you are implying." Eyes burning with unspoken emotions Porthos reached out, capturing Athos cheek in a gentle caress. "Love and respect works both ways, Athos. Why can't you accept that we are willing to sacrifice _everything_ for you? We failed you so badly and the memories of what you endured to save us will haunt us for years to come but we will do everything to protect you from further harm, as long as you're willing to give us a chance."  
  
Stunned into silence Athos felt the threatening sting of tears pricking in his eyes and he quickly averted his eyes, not willing to let Porthos see how much his words had affected him.  
  
"We all are hurting but we cannot let this bastard win."  
  
And just like that Athos crumbled.  
  
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Without warning the walls closed in on him and just like that Athos lost the ability to breathe. "I have done everything wrong. Don't go… don't leave…"  
  
Gasping for air he heard Porthos' muffled curse and then strong arms were around him, drawing him into a heartfelt embrace.  
  
"Shh... I didn't mean it. Breathe, Athos." Porthos sounded almost frantic all of a sudden, his hands soothingly rubbing over Athos back. "I never should have said all those horrible things to you, I meant none of them."  
  
"I'm sorry!" Athos could do nothing else but to cling to his friend, encircled in the safe harbour of Porthos arms. His whole being was reduced to the desperate need to make things right. "I'm sorry. I never meant..."  
  
"It's alright." Porthos murmured, his face buried in Athos hair. "We both were fools. I won't go. I'm still here and I won't leave you."  
  
Athos sighed and closed his eyes, his whole being focused on the soft, calming voice, whispering reassuring promises into his ear.  
  
_"I've got you."_  
  
Unconsciously snuggling deeper into Porthos warmth Athos gave in to the exhaustion weighing down on him, his mind slipped into the welcoming warmth of deeply felt contentment...  
  
_We will never let you go._  
  
…a strong arm around slipped around his waist...  
  
_We'll always be there for you._  
  
...a gentle hand on his arm, meshing their fingers together...  
  
_You belong to us._  
  
...and for the first time in what felt an eternity Athos smiled.  
  
  
END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is where our journey ends. Thank you to all of my readers for your wonderful comments and kudos. I'm very grateful for the attention you paid to my humble little story.


End file.
